Stupid Human Tricks
The Barest of things...
I was scrolling through an assortment of news feeds the other day and, as usual, I found myself clicking more on the ridiculous headlines lower on the page than the big bold faced ones at the top. Usually the headlines that bark and scream the loudest tell me everything I need to know about the issue, rendering the article itself unnecessary reading material. Take these for a few examples from a variety of news sources…
“They Found Austin Bomber By Tracking His Receipts and Internet Purchases” – CNN: Yes, I know Big Brother is watching and that’s the obvious way they were going to catch up with the Millennial Unibomber.
“Trump Not Doing Enough, Russia Sill Meddling” – MSNBC: The United States and Russia have been spying on each other and stirring each other’s pot for almost a century. This happened before Trump and will happen long after he is gone. This is not news.
“Ivanka Trump Visit To Iowa Salon Sparks Major Backlash, Boycott Threats” – FoxNews: Could there be three less interesting words to include in a news headline than “Ivanka,” “Iowa,” and “Salon”?
“Duke Solved Its Defensive Problems By Taking A Page From Syracuse’s Playbook” – ESPN: March Madness cannot end soon enough. That is all.
Further down on these sites is where the juicy stuff is. You know, the stuff that lets you know how screwed up we are as a culture, and maybe a species as a whole. These are the headlines that make you say “that can’t be right” but then you click, you read, and you realize that we are all completely doomed thanks to the stupidity of our fellow man.
“Journal: Woman dies after ‘bee acupuncture’ treatment” – AZCentral.com: I am all for natural medicine. I practice yoga at least three days a week, I rub natural remedies on my aches and pains instead of ever popping an Aleve, and I drink my organic herbal tea water. All of that said, I am not paying someone to squeeze a bee’s head until its stinger comes out just so they can stab me with it. That is what a woman in Spain did, however, and now she is dead. Aside from the obvious fact that bee stings cause pain, not relieve it, maybe she should have considered if she was allergic to bee stings before engaging in such a practice… or maybe this is just natural selection doing its thing.
“World’s Longest Golf Hole Takes 80 Days to Play” – CNN: How is this possible? A guy teed off in Western Mongolia and kept hitting his ball over and over across swamps, rivers, and deserts until he sank a putt 80 days and 1,200 miles later on the 18th green of Mongolia’s first golf course. I admit to watching the video five times and I ultimately decided that this is not a golf hole, it is an endurance hike that has more in common with hiking the Appalachian Trail than playing a round at the Cliffs at Glassy. Regardless, I have a few questions, such as “How many balls did he lose along the way?” and “Why Mongolia of all places?”
“Serial Toilet Clogger on the Loose in Wisconsin, Authorities Say” – Fox News: You know I had to click on this one. Apparently someone has been stuffing a 20 oz. soda bottle into the same toilet at the Denard Community Center in Sheboygan, Wisconsin causing thousands of dollars in damage over the years. How many times does this have to happen to make the national news, one might ask? An estimated 29 times since 2016, apparently. What mental illness must one have to engage in such behavior? I have positively no idea.
“Service Canada moves away from calling Canadians Mr., Mrs., or Ms.” - CBC News: First of all, I was curious what Service Canada is and I discovered it is the most literal name for anything ever. Service Canada is a Canadian government service initiative that has actually instructed employees to stop using gender specific terms like Mr., Mrs., father, and mother unless the person they are speaking with specifically approves of such terminology. Government forms have already been updated to reflect the new policy and people are seemingly confused about how to fill in blanks like “Parent #1” and “Parent #2” as if a gender neutral policy now requires a parental ranking system. I am all for acceptance of all walks of life but if someone calls me “Parent #2” I am going to be even more annoyed than if they mistakenly call me “Mrs.” Call me old fashioned but there is a pretty clear line between equality and understanding and utterly stupid and this is pretty clearly on the side of the latter.
“Man Dies After Getting Head Stuck in Movie Theater Seat”- Variety: This is why they ask you to not screw around with your cell phone during a movie, folks. Besides being a total nuisance to everyone in the theater, you might actually die. That is what happened to a guy in England who dropped his phone mid-movie and somehow got his head stuck in the seat in front of him while he looked for it. Sure, there was alcohol involved but I am blaming the hazards of cell phone use. To be fair, it was not the seat itself that actually killed him, but the stress of the incident that caused him to go into cardiac arrest.
Next time you want to post some outrageous headline about Trump, guns, walking up, walking out, or whose lives matter, take a deep breath and relax. Just scroll down the page and spend some time with the fun stuff.
fête it be...