How many zombie 5th graders can you take in a fight and why we should ban mayonnaise.
the Barest of things...
At the most recent Fete TV filming, a couple of irreverent conversations occurred over the course of a couple of beers at the new Growler Haus in the Village of West Greenville.
The first discussion involved the absurd notion of “How many 5th graders do you think you could take in fight?” To be fair, none of us wants to actually punch innocent children so we imagined the scenario as rabid, feral, bloodthirsty Children of the Corn type kids. Discussing this completely hypothetical situation, we came up with a healthy spread of replies.
Fête Music Man Dave Galloway aimed the lowest, guessing that it might be possible for just two of the little monsters to take him down. He cited accelerated growth due to hormones in modern food to argue that 5th graders today are hardly the same size as they were when we were kids. “Some of them can actually dunk a basketball,” he argued as evidence of their potential superhuman powers. It was an interesting point that I had not previously considered, I admit.
On the other side of the spectrum, Fête photographer and uber talented local artist Grey Thompson, undoubtedly the tallest among us, was confident that he could easily handle 10-12 violent 5th graders, suggesting that his height and reach advantage would allow him to subdue multiple attackers with punches and kicks at the same time. He went on to further detail his strategy in ways that I will refrain from describing here, but let us just say that he has thought about this issue at greater length than the average adult. I am sure he would still make a great babysitter, though.
For my part, I settled in at a minimum of five or six, depending on the level of organization of their attack. If they assaulted one at a time, I could turn the battle into something akin to the closing scene of Stepbrothers. If, on the other hand, they swarmed en masse a la The Walking Dead on Sesame Street, I might become overwhelmed.
The second conversation came when Fête publisher Jay Spivey and I and addressed the subject of what we would do if we were in charge of “everything”. Serious political discussion aside, I at one point suggested that the Libertarian in me would seek to decriminalize drugs but this would be balanced by my all out ban on mayonnaise, simply because I possess all the contempt ever for the world’s most offensive condiment, in my humble (and correct) opinion.
Jay was quick to point out that this, like the actual War on Drugs and Prohibition before it, would never eradicate the substance and would instead simply create a black market for the scourge of sandwiches everywhere. Mayonnaise production would move to back alley and basement kitchens and prices would soar to atmospheric levels. By decriminalizing one thing while outright banning something else at the same time, I would simply be replacing one criminal enterprise with another.
Clearly, Jay Spivey has a better view of the big picture than I do and I am sure he will serve as a valuable member of my fictional cabinet when the big imaginary day comes.
That said, I carefully considered his advice and I came to this conclusion: I am totally fine with mayonnaise relegated to being produced, traded, and consumed as an illegal substance. Heck, I would likely not even make real attempts to stop it as I am sure I have friends and family that really enjoy the stuff. The big result of my Executive Order would be this though…
I would never have to worry about somebody errantly putting mayonnaise on any sandwich of mine ever again. Seriously, nobody gives away anything of black market value without intent for profit. From that day forward, I will be able to say “make sure no illegal mayonnaise is on there” when I order a sandwich and, instead of this simple request being ignored, someone on the other side of the transaction can say “more for me”.
This is all I really want out of life - a world where I can order my lunch without mayo or its “highfalutin” alter ego, aioli, and not have to carefully dissect it before my first bite to make sure my request was properly processed. One too many orders over my 40 years have caused me to live in fear of the incautious bite that leads me with a mouthful of Hades itself. No, this simple action would Make Sandwiches Great Again and, I feel, that this is an honest and achievable goal.
With your support we can make this dream a fake reality and put an end to the nightmare that is unwanted bites of mayonnaise. Vote for me in 2020 let us win this fight together. I am not actually running for anything, mind you, but your vote still matters in helping to solve this national epidemic. Because America, and politics, or something.
I am Brett Barest and I approve this message.